what i am doing here

i started this blog in 2006 because i wanted to discuss the ways in which having chronic fatigue syndrome and being a psychiatric survivor impacted my life. some time later, i embarked upon the difficult process of discontinuing the clonazepam i had been taking for more than a decade. this hijacked the blog for a bit. in the meantime, i discovered that having chronic fatigue syndrome or suffering from mental disease (dis-ease) are not discreet, self-contained aspects of one’s self. the diseased body and mind are at odds with the world in many more ways that just in their symptomatologies. when i wrote, my writing tended to gravitate towards difference. not only diseased difference. healthy, vibrant, interesting difference.

this leads me to question the idea of disease. if there are so many of us who are, in one way or the other, diseased, who are the normal people?

(the picture in the header is from a piece by internationally known glass artist dale chihuly. you can see his amazing work here).

14 Comments

  • thememoryartist
    July 8, 2007 at 9:09 am

    “who are the normal people?”

    The normal people are the ones who ig”nor”e everything or nearly everything that is going on within themselves and outside of themselves so as to avoid getting mired in the messy business of feeling things. I’d also say “normal” is the opposite of mindful. They want to get from point A to point B to point C without having to stop to connect the dots. It’s all about the destination, and screw the journey…
    I’m not sure exactly what causes people to be “normal”, but I think capitalism has something to do with it.

    Of course this entire comment is not terribly well thought out, but your question is making me wonder about “normal” people. It’s the “normal” people that worry me.

  • Gianna
    July 12, 2007 at 9:32 am

    Hi AMA,
    I’ve been reading your comments on some of my favorite blogs for quite some time now and often find them deeply moving. Have just spent a little time on your blog the last two days–have to spend more–but oh–I’m just so tired!

    I too have chronic fatigue, though I’ve associated it with psychiatric drug withdrawal. I don’t consider myself diseased and try to get away from pathologizing myself in any way at this point in my life– though I’ve been diagnosed mentally ill in the past.

    I certainly struggle and am not “normal” but I don’t consider that symptomatic of disease.

    I will start keeping track of your blog.
    cheers.

  • AMA
    July 12, 2007 at 10:30 am

    not normal and not diseased is the way to go, gianna! the memory artist suggests that “normal” people are unfeeling, zombified automatons (did i get that right?), but, really, i don’t think there are “normal” people, you know? i think they are a fiction designed to keep us all on our toes (or knees). when we try to be normal, we repress out differences, i.e. our humanity. three cheers for abnormality!

    thanks for your nice comment. i will check out your blog too! (and i do understand the tiredness! getting off the nasty drugs is back-breaking work. keep it up!).

  • thememoryartist
    July 12, 2007 at 5:26 pm

    No, not zombified…but unaware, not involved in living the present moment. And that’s using the word “normal” to describe the average person. Norm=Average…not healthy or okay as most people tend to use it.

  • cherished79
    July 13, 2007 at 6:12 pm

    Wow, clonazepam - that sure brings back (bad) memories. Great when I was on the stuff - but the shits when I had to be weaned off. But I am off and have been off for years now. A psychiatric survivor too. Feels good to say that, and not use the word “victim”. I am a working gal now after 9 years of hospitals and bad memories, and of course you know my ECT history. So glad I found your blog. Keep on truckin’, and I’ll checking in on your super blog.

  • AMA
    July 13, 2007 at 7:47 pm

    thank you, cherished.

    i find it pleasant to type your screen name. it’s like saying hi, with a smile on my face.

  • fightingfatigue
    July 31, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    Normal - I keep wondering what normal is. I have been sick for so long (almost 20 years) with CFS, that I don’t even remember what normal feels like. I guess for me, being sick and feeling like crap is my normal.

    Each person has to define what their own normal is.

  • ama
    August 1, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    hey sandy, so glad you commented on my blog! i am putting you on my blogroll and hope to spend time regularly perusing your blog.

    congratulations on your inspiration blogger award!

  • Beauty
    October 10, 2007 at 10:47 pm

    Hi Ama,

    I read a comment of yours on another blog and found it very interesting.

    Then I hopped on over to your blog only to discover that you too have CF. I haven’t read enough of your writings yet to determine if you also have DID; if so, that would give us one more thing in common.

    As for “normal” I have to agree with your reader who said that each of us must find our own normal. My normal is to have bad days (physically and mentally), and then worse days. No good days, really. I’ve gotten used to the CF I’ve had for over 20 years, but getting used to it doesn’t mean it’s easy or fun.

    I’ll be back to check out more of your block. You’re welcome to visit mine any time.

    Beautifuldreamer

  • Youmty
    December 29, 2007 at 5:28 pm

    What am I doing here? On your log. I just realise I’m dead tired since years. But then this would mean that I’ve found the solution as well. Must ‘ve got to do something with giving. Sharing. I ‘ll think of this. Or better, act. Maybe, in the meantime you might sometimes like to visite. A blog, more or less a site, called mentalyogafordummies. Just started. Love your site. So I can only love you. Pleased to meet you.

  • ama
    December 29, 2007 at 5:56 pm

    thank you, youmty. could you give me a complete url? i don’t seem to be able to find you.

  • Youmty
    January 2, 2008 at 8:29 pm

    http://youmty.wordpress.com/

  • anauistis
    January 13, 2008 at 11:47 am

    Thank you for your lovely post on my blog. I don’t have CF but I do find manic-depression to be so tiring. I’ll have a little lookie around your blog and may just see you around!
    Ana xx

  • Boombeing Ruerd
    January 29, 2008 at 1:20 pm

    As a fellow psychiatric patient or client of the GGZ foundation for mental health in holland i can only say, it’s like legalized maddnes, people labeling others calling them names just to find out how fuckedup people can be. And many seem to escape the clutches of shrinks since their caught up in their own legalized madness off having to pay attentenion to the desires of others that determine their lives. Real madness is so widespread well all get a slice of it for breakfast.
    Only some seem to have the courage to admit just how crazy and fuckedup our lives seem to be sofar.
    But i counsole myself nowing madness can dissapear with the blink of an eye, even though they still call you crazy andsoone.
    Live the live you’ve been given by your maker and youll be in the clear.
    Living the power of now dissapating al thoughts and feelings keeping you from being you.
    Better then to live in this ratched world where the real mad ones caal everybody crazy who aren’t like them.

    Heartsgreet,

    Boombeing Ruerd

    It’s nice to be called schizoprenic, i get to caal myself anything i want to be, and i juice to be known as boomdokter.

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