May 14, 2008...6:24 pm
i’m always here for you
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- even if it kills me
- even if you always win
- even if it makes me feel bad about myself
- even if i’m hungry
- even if i’m sleepy
- even if i haven’t slept and i’m tired
- unable to think
- even if i’m crying
- even if i have my own pain
- which you barely notice
- even if i am in the middle of watching a film with someone else
- or doing something that gives me pleasure
- having a rest
- working
- i will skip work for you
- even if i’m angry at you
- even if i disapprove of you
- even if i despise you
- even if you treat me badly
- even if you show me disrespect
- even if you don’t see me
- even if i feel alone in the world
- even if it tastes bitter
- even if other people need me more
- and love me more
- and show me more respect
- because they’ll forgive me
- but you won’t
- and i need you
- can’t be without you
- it would kill me
- it would lay me dead
- it would suck the life out of me
- it would drain my life of color
- and smells
- and taste
- and joy
- it would make it hard to tear myself from bed in the morning
- and even harder to sleep at night
- you have my phone number
- you have my email
- you know where i live
- i’m here
- always
- even if it kills me
- even if i can’t
i know you will be tempted to think that this is about you. it isn’t. it isn’t about anyone in particular. except me. this is about me.
6 Comments
May 15, 2008 at 7:15 am
thought provoking. though my thoughts right now are only bouncing around and not wanting to make much sense, except the thought that, I am so careful about saying, “I will always be there for you”. It’s the always part I have trouble with, because quite frankly I can’t always be there for anyone, even myself. I have said to people in the past, “I’m around if you want to say anything/need me/etc” or “You know how to reach me if you need.” But I don’t promise the ‘always’ part.
And one time it came and bit me in the rear, even though I never said the always part, and the person was and still is incredibly upset with me because at one time, when they were having a really rough time and I was relatively not, I said that I would be there if they needed me, and they took that to mean ‘forever’ and ‘anytime’ and ‘always’ when really relationships and friendships change and after a period of time I couldn’t ‘be there’ in any sense for that particular person as it was toxic for me and dangerous for my dogs. I can put up with ‘toxic to me’, I do all the time, but the ‘dangerous to my dogs’ portion ended it for me.
Don’t really know if any of that pertains to what you said, but just what thoughts of mine your writing provoked ATM.
May 15, 2008 at 8:34 am
It doesn’t sound very good at all. It sounds a little like my recent poem about how, sometimes, staying involved with the social world feels like licking crumbs.
May 15, 2008 at 2:20 pm
katrin — good comment, as usual.
marcy — you got it.
May 16, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Wow.
Popping by for a quick visit… and wow.. Yup. As per usual, you have given me something to think about.
I’ll give up trying to say something smart and insightful about your poem. It really has struck a chord somewhere deep within…. now I will go away and think about it some more.
Mostly I wanted to drop by and see how you were doing, but got so much more. Thank you for that.
A&A
May 16, 2008 at 12:58 pm
thank you A&A! i’m happy you dropped by. if you come up with anything interesting in your reflections, come back and share, please!
May 18, 2008 at 12:12 pm
hi ama,
I read this the day you posted it and have simply been dumbstruck. It’s a painful piece for me…but I wanted to say it’s very moving…and I think of you all the time!
Love,
G
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