i’m trying, i’m really trying, or: it’s all political

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after 5 solid months of extreme cfs prostration I Went To See A Doctor. i made sure said doctor believed in the fact of chronic fatigue syndrome. in the good words of rose of roses on the moon, “why don’t they just believe women’s stories?”* but they don’t. this is the first physician in my very tiny repertoire who actually believes that chronic fatigue syndrome is real.

* i can’t find the precise quote to save my life, but it’s out there on the internet; rose, feel free to protest if you think i’m putting words in your mouth. [see second comment for the correct quote. thanks, rose!]

that didn’t make any difference to his behavior, though.

first, he treated with Friendly Amusement the adrenal stress index test given to me by my alternative medicine practitioner. according to the results my adrenal glands are one step from atrophy. he asked, “who prescribed this?” i thought, “who cares who prescribed it?” but told him nonetheless. he asked, “how much did you pay for it?” i thought this question really, really Deserved No Answer so didn’t give it any. he said, “if these results are valid i should give you estrogen, testosterone or steroids, but i have no reason to believe they are.” i thought, “why don’t you check in a way that looks credible to you, then, kool guy?” i didn’t tell him anything, though, because i know he doesn’t know how. the test my alternative guy prescribed is the only test that measures adrenal function. if this dude has never seen it there’s nothing he can do about my adrenals, atrophied or not.

he told me to keep exercising. that’s what everyone tells people with CFS. in america, exercising is the cure to all evils.** if my adrenals are in fact as depleted as the test says they are, i should avoid any kind of stress. exercising when one doesn’t feel up to it is extremely stressful on a depleted body. it uses borrowed energy, except there’s not an ounce of credit in the bank, zero funds to pay off the debt.

** am i the only person on earth whose depression, when there, is made consistently worse, not better, by exercise?

this is what alternative people tell you to take when your adrenals are on the ropes: licorice and adrenal cortex extract. when i take these supplements, i feel almost immediately better. not ready to run the 90-degree chicago marathon, but better enough to walk across the room without swaying and breaking into a cold sweat. i said this once to a friend who’s a doctor and she said, “it must be the sodium in the licorice.” never mind.

at the doc’s appointment my blood pressure was very low. my blood pressure is always very low. you figure that would be something one would look at. but no, the only direction in which blood pressure is meaningful in america is high. low blood pressure is a Good Thing even if you basically pass out every time you get up from a chair.

the friendly doctor had a medical student in the room. she was very sweet. the friendly doctor addressed himself to the medical student as much as he addressed himself to me, while talking to and about me. we didn’t like this. we really didn’t.

the only thing the doctor had to say about our health (rose, i’m speaking like you!!!) was that our cholesterol is high. it is high. fuck knows why. the doctor was in a hurry to put me on drugs but i said i’ll cut down on cheese first, see what happens. apart from cheese, i have a very low cholesterol diet, and frankly, one can eat only so much cheese in one’s week, but whatever, i’ll cut that, too. i mentioned the high cholesterol thing to my mom. she immediately proceeded to Jump Down My Throat. that’s the way she reacts when she gets worried. i told her to calm the fuck down. she told me there was no way my high cholesterol was genetic because there is no history of high cholesterol in the family. she means her side of the family. she hasn’t spoken to my dad in 25 years. i doubt they spent much of their troubled marital days discussing his cholesterol. i told her, “mom, i have a father, too.” she had to admit that she didn’t make me by herself.

my father has had like 25 heart bypasses so it is somewhat consistent with his medical history that he might have high cholesterol. i can’t ask him, though, because he’d feel compelled to give me his whole medical history from the Origin Of Time and i can’t sit through it right now.

my new doctor’s waiting room, examination room, and premises in general are entirely accessorized by Big Pharma. i have never seen such an abundance of pharmaceutical pamphlets and pharmaceutical junk. they spill over from containers and piles everywhere like toys in a spoiled 6 year old’s room. the handout he gave me about low cholesterol diet was brought to me by [insert cholesterol-lowering drug here] and basically told me that dieting doesn’t help much, really. you should really think about taking the drug.

i shredded it for recycling the moment i got home.***

*** the city where i live does not recycle paper so i bring my recyclable paper to work. since the recycling bins at work specify that they are Only For Office Paper, i shred the paper that is not office-related for camouflaging purposes and put it there anyway.

the following day i went to the newly opened Whole Foods supermarket near my house and bought licorice and adrenal cortex extract. i was so physically busted that i kept forgetting why i was there. i walked up and down the aisles trying to concentrate for a good half hour. finally i bought some freshly squeezed carrot juice and a chocolate mint energy bar (my favorite packaged health food combo) and sat down. that made me feel alert enough to realize that all the customers in the place where white and all the personnel were african american. i thought, who needs jim crow? cutthroat trickle down capitalism (reagan, bush sr, clinton, bush jr) has taken care of that. i felt sick to my stomach.

i renewed my decision to vote for dennis kucinich. a kucinich vote, by the way, is a pro-disability vote. something to be taken into account.

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Filed under anger, being from somewhere else, chronic fatigue syndrome, pain, panic, panic attacks, politcs, sadness, sleep, suicide, the healthcare establishment, things that work

Tags: adrenal exhaustion, doctors, low blood pressure, Random Capitalization